This letter has been rolling around in my head lately. Whenever it gets quiet and I can think, it is there. Maybe it has been reading about poor Donna and her strong Mama. Maybe I have been wanting to write this because of my two oldest boys going to school this year. I suppose it could be the attitude that I am getting lately from them, growing into their own personalities, getting more and more independent. Probably has a tiny thing to do with how fast my new born has turned into a four month old tossing turning real life baby. Or the fact that I am constantly remembering when they older two where doing what this one is. Making me sort of sad and long for them to be little again. When I could do no wrong. Ugh! I love those little son of a guns so much!
So hopefully one day, they won't roll their eyes too much at this. I wrote this more towards my newest baby, but it certainly applies to all of my men. My dream is that this will one day bring understanding and perspective to something I have probably done. That they will forgive me. That they will understand. Maybe even prevent some trouble. Although I wrote it for my sons, I know that every Mom feels this way about their own children. Maybe there is a teenager out there that this will speak to, softening their hearts as well. Helping to let a wall down and to let forgiveness, understanding, and love in. Please feel free to share on your Face Book Page, email it to a friend, or whatever social media you are addicted to. You never know what could happen. Thanks in advance!
My Dearest Love,
Today I held you all day. You hung on my shoulder and drooled till it was soaking wet. I think you are teething but I really have no idea because you are so little. Not quite four months old. You are hot to hold since you have a slight fever, making me breaking out in hives that are so itchy, I can't help but scratch till I bleed. Your nose is so runny it is breaking my heart since you can barely breathe. You look at me with such a pout face, I nearly cry looking at those red puffy eyes. You keep rubbing them because you are so tired but you can't sleep since your nose is plugged. When you lay down it sounds like a mix of a bear and when my Gramps used to snore sitting in his lazy chair. I keep having to suck the boogers out with this sucker thing, which makes you cry, ever creating this circle of boogers. I feel like I am torturing you. I have cried 100 times today trying this and that to comfort you- anything I can think of. Your poor brothers have been covering their ears because they can't take it. There are moments I just sit and rock you, while I let both our tears fall. You also stopped nursing three days ago, which makes me feel like I failed, and now you are possibly sick and need the antibodies amd immune boosters to help you get better. Especially, since there really isn't any medicine you can give a baby. Thankfully and finally you fell asleep. I thought to myself how deeply I love you.
Your two older brothers are five years old and almost seven. they used to be so little so short ago. Time flies when you love. I love all of you so much. I started thinking how I never want you to hate me. That I hope our relationship is always good. Even more so I want you to love yourself as much as I love you. Simply because I have invested so much into you, even now at this young age. More complicatedly, because you are so amazing. Never forget how much I, your Daddy, and your brothers wanted and love you. So I thought maybe if I write you a letter, letting you know that I really am not a crazy person. Though you might think so by the time you are a teenager.
I ask your oldest brother if he will ever hate me, when he is a teenager, and he says, with a loving twinkle in his eye, embarrassed and looks away, "No way Mu Ma! You are the best Mom ever. I will always love you. I never wanna be a teenager." (Me neither. Only kidding! Sorta.) Then the next thing you know, I am saying it's bedtime, and then how quickly I am turned into the worst mom ever. The fact I can already see this love hate thing going on, makes me pray you guys only hate me a little. And only for a short time. I figure you will, at least a little, if I do a good job of being a mom. You are gonna want to be free just like I did.
You are suppose to. Just promise me you will, only a little. That you will remember I just want to keep you safe, and help you avoid the most costly mistakes I have made.
You can go off on your own. Make your own. That is my goal. For you to be happy, healthy, and have a life full of love and fun. I just pray you would honor me to be a part of it as you grow up. I promise that I am not going to snoop through your things, unless you are going to hurt your self if I don't. That I will be fair and will listen if you think I am not. Not promising I will change my view but I will hear you out. I hope you never have a reason to hide anything from me. Any of my boys. It is hard to look at your faces now and imagine that we could ever fight. That my past has allowed me a special vantage point that I will be willing to be completely honest about, so much so that I am putting it out there for all to learn from. That I will always love you and will never judge you, no matter what. That no one is perfect, including me. I have messed up plenty and have no right to. I am a very forgiving and forgiven person. I will never hold anything against you. That you can tell me anything- I am a really good listener. And if you want to hear what happened to me, I will tell you anything you wanna know.
I have had a crazy life. Let's just say, it would make a great movie. There is much that I am proud of and some that I am not. Paths I would change and some would not. There are many bullets I have dodged in my lifetime, that many others friends and loved ones were hit with. Not sure how I got so lucky to not only survive but feel thankful to succeed... Maybe it was so I could bring each of you into this world. Most of the dodges were luck, or protection rather, this I truly believe. There is a purpose to all things. So I suppose I wouldn't change it after all, since they have made me who I am. But that, my sons is for another time. Just know I love you, I put my heart and soul into you. I would do anything for you. Even stand in front of a spinning Bey Blade.
God Bless and Protect Your Lives My Loves,
Don't forget to share! Is there anything you would add to a letter to your future teen?