We left off, at three in the morning, may I add, with me promising to tell you my rated R attack on my myself. I repeat adult content. No slutty content- sorry guys. More like chic flick stuff. Though you may want your wife to read it... I can't wait to hear your what you think of this!
There are many books I attribute to who I am today. They have given me the tools and strength to get through a tornado of a decade, not that I would change it for the world. A few are pretty basic. Hung by the Tongue. Pretty cut and dry. You get exactly what you say. If I was always saying he was this, or I was that, why was I so surprised that is what I always got? Try calling in sick with out feeling sick. tell yourself you feel like crap and you will. tell yourself you are awesome and your brain will figure out how to make it so. Our minds are like computers. It does, exactly what we tell it to do. Personality Plus helped me understand that you can't come at all people the same way. You can challenge one person and it will motivate them, yet another it would crush, another wouldn't even hear you, and the other would get in your face about it. Every relationship in my life is better because I can figure out which one they are. My kids, with my in family, with my job, customers I meet, and so on.
Another book I would start with is the Five Love Languages. This helped me so much in how I was trying to make Micah happy. You see My love language is Quality Time and Physical Touch. Again, sorry fellas, not the sexual kind- at all. If I even thought that you were giving me a massage because you wanted to do it, only infuriate me. Yet, it also isolated me because I needed that to "fill my love tank". Feeling more lonely and rejected each time. Creating my own destructive circle, as my mom used to say, "cutting my nose of to spite my face". Which ironically never made any sense to me growing up. Go figure. The other side of my language was quality time. Which, as you may see, time together is rare. What qualifies as quality time may shock you, guys, as well. It isn't about the time. You can watch a movie all night, on the same couch, and still feel like you were alone the whole time.
Yet the books that were revolutionary all sort of blend together. Maybe because when I read them I probably was on no sleep, or deep in postpartum. More likely because they were just pouring into me life, I could hardly distinct where this fountain of information came from. These three book worked together, like sisters. I pulled ideas from each of them, supporting each other. Each one making more sense after I read the last one. They were: Captivating, Fight Like A Girl, and Surrendered Wife, especially chapter 20. These are what led to my plan of attack.
Most of the time if I expressed being aggravated that he was never around and had all these great things he could go do to relax, he would be super supportive. He would say, go! Go find something to do! Then i would cry and say I can't. Who will take care of the kids, what would happen to the house, how long will I pay for my five minutes of peace? So then I would just go right back to not taking care of myself. I would get angry again, overwhelmed, feeling under appreciated, frustrated. Then he would come home from a very hard day, trying to run a new company, go on a terrible medical or fire call, only to come home to a wreck of a house, with a wife and two kids crying. Who would want to come home to that. Sure he wanted to save me, but what else could he do? I would be so exhausted and plane just didn't feel like, well you know, by the end of the day. I felt justified, somehow, because he didn't ask how my day was. He already knew just by looking at me. To with hold the very thing we probably both needed more than anything else. To. Have. Sex.
The same thing would happen over and over. Long rough day, argue or not see each other till midnight, go to bed, than an awkwardness would set in. I knew what he wanted to do. I knew I should want to. I just didn't. Half the time I was just too flipping tire, but the other half? I was just punishing him. For having this great life and leaving me behind. All I would want is to cuddle up to him, have him play with my hair and than fall asleep. To spend that quality time. Now, I have no idea where we women get this idea from, withholding sex as a punishment. Looking back, I really feel that it is America's perversion of what television and movies showed us it was to be a successful, independent woman. That you don't need a man to be happy, that you need anybody, period. To not trust anyone , especially men, or you will be spit out like piece of gum. My mother sure didn't teach me that, but boy was it a part of me before I was married. I wanted to make more money than my at the time boyfriend. Again everything was a competition. Poor guy. No wonder he just stopped asking...
At the worst time ever, battling probably years of rejection, from the person that was supposed to love him, without judgement, unconditionally, he stopped trying to make the first move. By that point, and not really even knowing it, I was so depressed. So I didn't have it in me to make a move. I knew I was a pretty person, but I didn't feel attractive at all. Seriously, I just felt crazy all the time. Like I couldn't keep up with anything. Let alone have to open myself up to someone so much as to be able to have sex with them. Yet this was the person, out of all the people in the world, God choose for me to trust. But I couldn't. I couldn't trust him to make me feel sexy enough to want to have sex, if that makes sense. Only because I was broken.
When he stopped trying, I didn't know what to do. I freaked out. Thank God my good friend threw these three books at me. I started to understand the circle I had created. one of the books, Surrendered Wife, made me ask some hard questions about myself. For example, how intimate was my marriage? I thought, um, none of your business, that's how much. Ha! Bad sign. It talked about becoming yourself again,letting your husband be the person who wooed you, respecting each other, and "giving up control to have more power." this is the part that I when I wanted to throw this book in a fire. I was NOT OK with giving up control. Then, get this, at the end of the book there is a chapter called say yes to sex. OK, so not cool with me either. That was the one thing I had control of. My va jay jay. lmbo. Also, key to being a surrendered wife, is "carving out tie for fun and pleasure". I knew I had to make this work so I was going to try whatever this book said. I was desperate and trusted my friend, plus she has the perfect marriage. It suggested making a "list of ten things that you like doing because they're fun, and a second list of ten things that you like doing- even if they take discipline- because you feel good afterwards. Then try and do three things each day to ensure that your self-care is adequate".
When I tried to do this the second list was much easier. The book said it could be things like organizing a dresser or even taking a shower. If it was productive to making you feel better than it counted, but only on the second list. it was so stinking hard to fill that first list. I hadn't done something for myself that I thought was fun in so long, I forgot how. I kept thing going to the park with the kids, ya da ya da. It was nearly impossible. I knew I was in serious trouble and need to do this simple task. So I started thinking really hard and filled it up. Things like paint my nails, go get my eyebrows waxed, read a book for twenty minutes, listen to my music, etc.Then there was just one more spot left. This gnawing feeling started to pick at my brain. I could hear something inside me say, have fun making love to you husband. Before he goes somewhere else. So I listened. I wrote it down. Then what? My plan became clear, my dear friend recommended at least every three days, that men needed to have sex. We had an interesting conversation, her and I. That when our mothers and TV shows in the 90's told us that guys did not, in fact, need sex like food, or they would die, it was a lie. That when they told you this, they were only trying to get in your pants. Therefore to stay far, far way from boys, since they all were evil little sperm injectors, praying on innocent girls in alleyways. That they would just get blue balls, which isn't the end of the world, but that it wasn't very nice, so don't be a tease. lmbo. Oh America, no wonder we are all so jacked up.
Think about this for a second. Fight Like A Girl talks about a line in the book the Lord of the Rings. It is when the princess saves her father, the king, from being killed, after she has snuck out- dressed like a man, a soldier, to fight side by side with her friends- after being told she couldn't come because she was a girl. So typical isn't it? Well, and this is my favorite part, the demon about to slay her father, can not be killed by a man. So everyone is terrified of him, of course. She valiantly steps in between her father and the invincible demon beast as he laughs. He says don't you know? I can't be killed by any man?! Whipping off her helmet that has kept her identity hidden, she exposes her long red hair, pulls out her sword and says smiting, "I am no man!" She slays the demon and saves the kingdom from doom and her father from an unhonorable death.
There are some things that we are just meant to be. We are God's secret weapon. In Captivating, I gained a new perspective on how, maybe God feels about women... When did God make us? An artist leaves his final and most intentional mark on his precious pieces, last. A baker, when does he put the frosting on? Last. Then, God made a man. Can you imagine how hot this guy must have been? To be the most like God human ever to exist? Why would God make him ugly? Think about it. Then he made Eve, also equally smoking hot. He looked out and said something is missing. Man is missing something. This can not work. Than he took a piece of Adam, swirled some magic around, then molded us into existence. His last and final creation. Like a sunset painted just for Adam and the whole world to see. Her. Forever. Now I know if you believe in Darwinism, this is hurting your brain a little right now, but for the sake of your marriage let's pretend that you are, in fact special and not some coincidence. That you are purposely made. Each and every part of you was thought out, planned, and created like a Monet painting. That you are not a fish that grew fur and legs, then reached up for some fruit, which made it's fur fall off, and learn to talk saying "Why God why!? Not my hair!! Anything but my hair!" By all means if you want to be related to a monkey go ahead, but let's pretend for one moment that your not. This would mean that men and women are meant to work together. That the things we do to each other , or don't do, matter so much. That if you are married and trusted God to give you that person, you are meant to be together. That there is a physical need there. It is wired in there. If that were true, I told myself, then what I was doing, withholding, was ruining our marriage. I had to ask myself what do I want more? A successful, happy marriage, or an hour more sleep. What do I want more? A calm, generous, clear thinking, man I fell in love with... or an hour more sleep?
I decided I could do it. (hardy har har) Again, that stubborn challenging part of me, was all or nothing. Either this was going to work and I was going to make it work, better than any other, ever. Or I wasn't going to do it. I also felt that every three days was like minimum wage. That we were so many years into this perpetual circle, I was going to have to dig myself out of a very deep hole.. That if I did the every three day thing, nothing would really change. I had to knock his socks off. OOOH I almost forgot, another key to being a surrendered wife, is not letting them know you are doing it, or it won't work. If you tell them, you are not doing it for the right reasons and you only want a pat on the back. No, no. If he asks you what is up, you have to play dumb. Boy, was that really hard!
I had a made a decision. We were going to do it, everyday, for a week. No matter what the kids did, or how crabby he was to me, or how exhausted I was. and I was going to like it, whether I liked it or not. The only thing is that I didn't feel any different. We did it for three days in a row, and no change. Sure he was happy for five seconds, but our life was so high strung, it would creep right back up. So not only was I forcing myself, it wasn't any fun and I am sure he could tell. Of course, I became very discouraged breaking down to cry. Only this time I cried out differently. I cried out to God. Now, I know this sound weird, but this is what happened. I asked for God to help me make love to my husband. SO that I would want to. I asked him to bring his spirit of love into our love making. To make it a cosmic thing, an amazing earth shattering event. To prove, not only that I could be a normal person, have sex with my husband and have it be fun, but that all I was doing wasn't for nothing. That someone was noticing. (besides this I was also keeping the house spic and span like fifties style) I actually asked God to make love to me, because at that point I was so low I couldn't make love to my husband. That is how empty my love tank was. I wasn't willing to have Micah even be the one to fill it. Which isn't easy to say, at all. That's the truth though. And you know what? I did start lusting after Micah. It was earth shattering. Then after the first week went by, there was an incredible difference in both of our attitudes. It started with him though. He was much more appreciative of everything I was doing, noticing all the little things that I had been doing. Arranging a date night all on his own. He wasn't fast to fly off the handle anymore. I even felt better about when he hugged me. I could just enjoy the hug instead of thinking, ugh now he is going to want to do it then get mad at him, just cause he wanted to be close to me. After all, wasn't that what I really wanted anyway? So my friends, it all comes down to what do you want most? An intimate relationship? Let's just say my record, for how many consecutive days in a row, I think, ended at, maybe, 27 days.
Now a days, I don't need to make myself want to do it anymore. Doing this secret sex attack really changed my life. Now maybe this sounds all too weird for you. Perhaps you are not married. Maybe you don't ever plan on loving a person so much you would be willing, to do the very thing you don't want to do more than anything else for that very person. Perhaps. Thankfully that was not me. I know that I will have some calling on my life, that I will need my husband for. Or that he will need me for. Either way when I got married I meant what I said. I made a promise that I intended to keep. This is what helped me. If you can't apply the sex part to your life yet, for whatever reason, maybe you can find the courage to make that list. Work on three things a day that are just for you. I noticed that when I become worn out, and life seems to be just kicking my bootie, my Self-care has been neglected. As I put a priority back on myself again, my life always seems to balance back out.
Well I hope that wasn't too long or too much information! So tell me? What do you think? Five years later we are still very in love and have never had a stronger relationship. We are both very encouraging with each other, pushing to conquer our fears and dreams. Knowing that if we can't do it alone, we aren't meant to. We are meant to do it with God, and do it together.
I am starting to hallucinate now and need to stop writing. Again, goodnight 3am. Maybe tomorrow I can get this done earlier! I didn't want to leave you hanging, so please forgive the errors . I will clean it up tomorrow! XOXO