Total Pageviews

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The Worst Year of My Life

  Well, you would think the year that your husband decided to become a man in uniform, to serve others, and to become the ultimate cool of all the heroes, a firefighter, that year would be pretty awesome. You would want to put a cheerleader outfit on, stand up and tell the world, this is my husband! I get to be married to this man!! Look over here!! Maybe if you were a sane person. Maybe if you had a sane life. Or maybe if you weren't obesely pregnant. Even, maybe if five things were going our way, I may have twirled a pom pom. Probably not though, because cheerleaders made fun of me in high school. So I secretly always wished to burn them... :) lol
  Ten years ago my husband and I got hitched. Four years or so later we joined an Amway team. Up to that point our marriage was fine, but we were always struggling to be fine. We looked like the perfect couple on the outside but there was a bad seed growing. Corporate America. he part owned an car detailing and customizing shop and I in retail. Sadly, I competed with him in everything. Who's job was worse, who had the worst boss, who had the toughest time, equaling who was stronger. Who could take it. Our friends would even come over to hear who would win that day's game of worst day ever. Who does that?  Sounds like a super supportive group of buddies there. Thanks to this image I had gotten of what a career woman acts and treats her man like from American society, TV,  and the women I grew up around at my high pressure retail job, I was screwed up. Thank God we joined Amway at the exact time we did.
  A miracle happened. When we joined this group, I didn't know the first thing about owning a business. My husband did, and of course I couldn't let him be a better business owner than me, so I read every book my mentor would lend me. Then when she didn't have enough, I started ordering them, and started searching for more of them. Some were leadership books, some helped you relate, some in relationships. I probably read  twenty books that first year. A huge accomlishment, considering I hadn't touched a book since high school. At least one that wasn't an art book full of paintings or a Cosmo.
  Some were revolutionary. Others I read, I wanted to throw at the wall. There was one particular one that made me so mad, I wanted to throw it in a fire and make s'mores. (Surrendered Wife) My life as an independent career sales women, I had convinced everyone, even myself, fitted me. It was something I could be proud of, people said. I got to dress up in a nice suit, pay my bills, have a nice car, go out to eat, travel... what more could a girl want, right?
  An ember inside me started to burn. My heart would pound as I read parts of them. Something was happening, I was coming back to life. The artist, the singer, the creative, happy encouraging wife I used to be. Let me tell you this took a TON of hard work. I had to do things I did not want to do, that I hated doing, for the love and sake of my marriage, without telling him I was changing. Now not a month, not six months, not a year. I am talking a two year, actually till this day, on going project. You see my sweet darling, the key is that the project is on me. My marriage and kids deserve it. Plus I deserve it. I deserve to have this wonderful love I had always dreamed of growing up. So I sucked it up and changed for the better. Many many, many things... nothing that had to do with who I was or what I stood for, but little things. It is always the littlest things that are hard.
  Now, I know you are wondering, what does this have to do with your hubby becoming a fireman?  Longer story short, he had been unjustly pushed out of the customizing shop by the boss' when I was nine months pregers with my first. Within months, we found ourselves behind. No income for a few months tends to do that. When my first was 9 months old, I found out I was pregnant again. We decided I was going to be a stay at home mom after we found out, no matter what it took.  Micah knew he had to change what we were doing to make money. Our house was going to be foreclosed on December 24th, Christmas Eve. Plus, I was due in a May with our second boy. The only thing I could think to do was pray. Pray and believe this was all going to work out. That things would get easier. Well, miracle, after disguised miracle started to happen. Micah's Granny move out of her house and asks us if we would like to live here. Right next to his parents, across the lake form mine, directly on the lake... amazing.  Then the opportunity to own a business basically falls in his lap. Me, being such a supportive wife, say, go for it babe! Then you know what happens?! He decides that he also feels called to check out being a firefighter! So let me get this straight, we are going to have 2 newborns and your aren't going to be around, like, at all? What do I say? Sure babe! Go for it... because remember, now I am the perfect wife who supports her hubby in everything.
  Before you put a halo on me, give me one second. One day, our group of guy friends decide to get together to play football. Resulting in Micah having two fractured disks, and unable to bend his ankle. Can you believe this, I am so ashamed, (head sinking) I... was relieved. Of course not happy that he was in pain, but that this would ruin his chance of being a fireman. Nice, perfect supporting wife I am, huh? Here you thought I was an angel. No. It only gets worse. Of course, about the same time, we hear about a church that had experienced some healings. Again, I thought of myself, with all of my allergies,  go and pray. Well, now guess what flipping happens?! Micah get healed. Completely. His back is fine and his foot that they said would never be able to point up moves all over just fine. Very funny, I think, very funny. Again, I am very excited he is healed, but was hoping he would have forgot about the firefighting. Of course not. He is ecstatic. I never let him know that I was bummed. One thing I didn't mess up on was I always encouraging.
  Is that not the worst thing you have ever heard? I am so glad, I made it through that. I had to decide, if I was meant to be with my husband, God picked him out for me. We were created to be together, which also meant that we could not do anything without one another. If that were true, I had to trust where God was leading my husband. That he needed me, just as much as I needed him. Also that if I thought I had changed a lot up until this point and I still wasn't happy, I still had some changing to do. Let me say this loud and clear, you can  not change your spouse. I wasn't even doing it on purpose. He wasn't the problem, we were just broke and this is what he was doing to fix it. Even more importantly, you can not steal their dreams. They will resent you forever. I have heard that hell would be meeting the person you were meant to be. I would hate to have that be my fault.
  Yes, the worst year of my life was not my husband's fault. It wasn't the fact that I had just had a c section, a colicky newborn that I couldn't put down, an 18 month old I couldn't pick up but was still in a crib, and a husband that couldn't help because of his back. Nor the fact that when he finally could help, he ran away to have fun at the fire dept, or hunt in the woods. No, it was because I neglected myself. I needed to give myself more attention. So that, I in fact, wouldn't create these walls. Then, I wouldn't have the need to feel bigger or better than my husband, the person God created to be with me through my whole life. I needed to find ways that I could be happier on my own, without the need for someone else to be the source of that love. That way I could love my husband the way he deserved and needed to be. Now I know of only one way.
  Looking back at that time in our life, though it was only four years away, it seems like a life time ago, but  just like yesterday. Time is so funny like that. Thankfully I came with a plan of attack to fix myself from a couple of the books I had read... Boy do I mean attack. Wait till you hear what happens. It is definitely for adult readers only so be warned. Till tomorrow! Good night all

No comments:

Post a Comment