All day, it hadn't bother me. We made plans with my mother in law to go shopping with Liam to pick out his backpack. It was fine. I hadn't really even thought about it. About midnight my husband came home from a call. We started talking, like we always do, about the day. All of a sudden, I got a sad feeling while I told him of my back pack date. Then these words slipped out of my mouth- I think I am having anxiety about picking out this thing. Which started my brain, my thought process, into a downward spiral.
Notice what happened, I spoke, than I felt worse. As soon as those words came out of my mouth I knew I wanted to shove them back in and take them back. I felt like I had literally opened the door for an attack. Now, my enemy, knew my weak spot. I am not even kidding, I felt like I had been given a crazy pill. That I was back in time, fifteen years ago, when I had to battle moment to moment to keep my self esteem. When I felt ugly, stupid, unworthy, and that no one would ever want me to be there's. There was a golf ball in my throat and a rock in my stomach. My tears started to burn my eyes. I felt weak, like the life, my confidence, my power, was being sucked from me. I was filling with fear and doubt. Then complete terror. Now, understand, my husband can be inside a house fire, five feet away from 1800 degrees of flame, and not be scared. So this intense fear, like I said, was just not a part of me. As my awesome husband, heard me pour my heart out, lay all the concerns and just plain freaked out, he said, Lyn you know what to do. Instead of doing, what was holding me down, I just sat in it. It was like something was holding me down by the dangling ball in the back of my throat. Holding it saying, I got you now! Where you gonna go? You are going to sit here and I am going to destroy you! (Ominous tones drop.. dum dum dummm...) Crying in bed, laying down, actually laying in the fetal position, I explained how I felt that this decision, of the infamous backpack, would determine his whole life. That whatever he picks will rank him forever, in school, and possibly make or break his whole life. How my siblings and I had such a hard time in school, being made fun of, physically and verbally abused by all of our classmates. It was really hard to live through and I certainly didn't want to see it happen to my kid, let alone it be my fault. I knew how mean kids could be. Quickly, it turned from concern for Liam, to fear of not being a good enough mom. That in this five years that he has been alive,we have had sooo much going on, that I am not he mom I thought I would be. I am a yeller. I scream actually. Maybe because two boys are super loud, and they love playing ninja or dragon hunter, which may result in an eye poke... every five seconds. I thought I would be this fun, happy go lucky, never cry over spilled milk, flowing like water, leave it to Beaver, sexy, mysterious, mom. Is that so much to ask? I pictured his teachers looks of disgust as they gawked over the lunched I would pack, or saying, your mommy let's you watch how much TV? Then i started thinking what was it he doesn't know that it was my job for him to know. Like sharing, being polite, being an ambassador of God, empathy for others, zipping his jacket, being able to cut a circle, or even being able to put some facial features on a drawing. Which he is so stubborn wouldn't do till months ago. Would everyone be way ahead of him because I chose not to put him in kiddie prison, I mean preschool? Would his self image be hurt? Then it turned to blame. I spend too much time cleaning, even though you would never know it by looking at my chaotic house. Not enough time telling them how special they are to me. How awesome they are. Reading more books with them. Having them sit in my lap everyday to read, being patient and calm the whole time. No one digging their toes into my skin, or breaking my new necklace, fighting for space in my lap. Teaching them how to sound words out. It went on and on. Finally, I was sobbing, I just gave up talking and said, hopelessly, desperately, defeated, I just don't know what to do.
This is when it pays to have your partner believe too. After what felt like forever, Micah put his hand on my shoulder, and said Lyn, this is not how you feel. You are an awesome mom. Of course you want to spend more time with the kids, one on one. They are super smart. Both spell their names, recite our phone number, count very high, draw and build amazing things. They can read some and sound out words, even Caden. With all that is on your plate, that is amazing. Liam can multiply, add, and subtract. You are beating yourself up for no reason.
My ears were listening, and on any other day, I wouldn't have ever let myself get past that first thought of self doubt, but nit on this day. For some reason I could just not shake it. Nothing Micah was saying was helping. I knew he was right. That what he was saying was true, but it didn't change how I was feeling. Usually we talk and I feel better, but I remember thinking I am lost. His words of affirmation didn't calm me, validate, or reassure me I was doing all I could, being the best mom and wife I could be.That was devastating to me. I felt like the wind had just been taken out of me. Looking back I remember sort of raising my arms to say something, holding my mouth open, waiting for my brain to work itself out and revelation to some out of it. Yet nothing came, no relief, no comfort, nothing familiar, just silence, a devastated heart, and hot tears.
Still sounding empathetic, he said, "You know what you have to do, Lyn. Call out against it." Then his voice changed, getting frustrated at something. Something that was not me. He got angry, realizing that someone was messing with his wife and that she was beyond helping herself. Just then, like someone had shaken the pop bottle that is Micah, all his muscles tensed up behind me. A serious and angry tone came out from behind me, where he was sitting, "This is bullsh*t. The devil is beating with you." Then he got even louder, deciding he was going to end this. He said, "In the name of Jesus, this is not going to destroy you for another second. You are not going to worry about it anymore."
Then a miracle happened. My heart topped pounding im my chest. The feeling like I wanted to throw up lifted up and out of me, like a wave. I felt the heat leavenmy cheeks and the muscles in my face relax. My fists came undone, and I stopped shaking. My tears stopped like someone turned off a faucet. Instantly I felt relief, like I had come back through from the rabbit's hole, into my body. A tremendous weight had been lifted off my chest and I could breathe.
It was so late, probably one in the morning, plus being exhausted from our battle and victory, we nearly both fell asleep, leaning on each other, side by side. Before I fell deep past the point of no return, I quietly mustered out a thank you to my knight in shining armor, my dragon slayer. Then I fell asleep saying a quiet prayer to God. He had rescued me again, stretched my thought process and love for my spouse, yet again. I fell asleep pondering why we let ourselves be tortured like that.What a strange process, fear is. Fear holds us back, that is it's goal, to hold us still, unmoving, like a building forgotten in time. Action overcomes fear. Now hear me, concern is not the same as fear. Having common sense is not the same as being afraid. Being afraid will hold you in a pattern, and will control your life. Everything you do and know will be steered by the action to overcome that fear. Some wise guy once said, ha ha, that Courage is not the absence of fear, but the mastery of it. It takes action to move through it.
I had to remember what I had been doing these past five years. Fighting an on going battle. My very best to be who my family needs me to be, so they can be who I know God meant them to be. In doing so, I would end up who I am suppose to be. That I was all those amazing things that I had pictured growing up. Who has been raising these guys, after all? Hadn't I taught him, unknowingly my beliefs? Hadn't I this whole time been showing him, too? Yes, I am not perfect. Yes it isn't all cupcakes and ice cream. That I do have to be the bad guy sometimes, do timeouts, or yell to get anyone to even hear me, over all that ninja sounds, while I try and make a seven layer cake that looks like a chicken. It is good for them to see me not be perfect, because I don't expect them to be either. That I am the one who has raised my kids. The weapons I fall back on to get through life, they will use to, because they see and hear us use them. Shoot, this winter, my car started after I screamed at it, 'You WILL start in the name of Jesus Christ!" It was so funny. Man I was mad. I did not want to unpack two kids out of snow pants and into another car. That these principles have helped me in every area possible, and I will just have to use them here to have to confidence to know they will be OK. After all, I ended up pretty alright. Only on a handful of occasions has such an attack ever happened to me. Evey time, it always comes down to the last straw, when I get into this funk of negative thinking and self bashing. Then once I realize that I have been bamboozled, I get so disgusted. I think how dare you! Then I remember, I have my sword on me. Why am I not drawing it out? Then I put on my boxing gloves and use my words and my convictions. Then I usually explode and scream out some verses that apply. I am not made to fear or doubt. I am made in the likeness of God. When Jesus was sacrificed on the cross, he bore all my sickness, disease, and pain, so that we could go meet his Dad when we die. He conquered death and came back so that His Name would be the most powerful word spoken. So that one day, every knee will and must bow to it. If you are in the spiritual realm, that day is today. So, Go! Now! I command you in he name of Jesus, you are not welcome back.
Before you think I am crazy or some Jesus freak, I am not. My hubby and I used to play Dungeons and Dragons, I have gay friends that I love, half of my best friends are divorced, I have a tattoo, I love anime and all things ninja or samurai, Kill Bill 2 is my favorite movie, I used to smoke pot, I don't like to drink, and my favorite paintings are ones that have pretty naked ladies in it, like from the Renaissance period. Yes, I am also a Christian. I am a business owner, I am a wife. I am a mom. I am a sexy, mysterious artist who loves Shakespeare and music with loud bass. I love the oldies and Sublime. My Dad raised me on Cat Stephens, my mom, on baking and R.E.S.P.E.C.T. (Find out what it means to me... ) I can not separate me being a Christian from all those things. Without being a Christian I would not be who I am either, just as much as all those other fun things. Otherwise all of that, would help no one. With your story, and your personality, you can relate to someone, that no one else in the entire world could but you. Without being a Christian , the me I like, no one would know I exist. No one would be better for knowing me. I couldn't serve or help anyone being broken, trapped in fear and self loathing.
I see it all the time these traps people put themselves in. Some days things do not effect us the same way. It is our attitudes that start the whole thing. Remember to treat yourself right so it is easier to be positive. Get enough sleep. Eat enough healthy food so you don't get crabby or overwhelmed. Know your limits.
The most important thing i learned the other night, was that my husband was there for me. That the power I needed shot down from heaven, through his words, from God, to save me. That when you can't speak for yourself, you NEED to ask for someone to do it for you. There is power in unity. That whenever two or more stand together in agreement and come to God you are stronger than alone. I truly believe with all my heart, that we aren't meant to do it alone. That anything worth doing, is going to need more than one's strength. Something I heard once that always stuck with me, is if I was going to have a dream, make it so big that God Himself, is going to have to help you accomplish it. The people that are in our lives are here on purpose. We are together, in this time, on purpose. We are reach out and to lean God, but also the people we know. Learn to ask for help. A lot.
So has anyone taken the first step and started speaking as if everything you say will come true? Do you feel any different? What has been your experience.I know that speaking positively, out loud is a little odd, and definitely using the Bible's words out loud as a weapon is also really hard to do it at first, but it works. I wanna hear what your experience is! Let me know! Did I quit smoking after years because everyday I told myself they were gross? Or was that a fluke? ... just wondered...
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